I have just discovered that ladies need to get their lady gardens examined on a regular basis. I don’t really know why but I am told it is standard procedure. Does this also apply for men and I didn’t get the memo? The last time the medical profession examined my extra digit was when I was kicked in the bollocks by a policeman in 1995… On realising it was a case of mistaken identity the officer took me to the hospital to have the jewels examined. When we got there it was a lady doctor. I got all embarrassed. She told me that I should take it seriously and advised me to go behind the screen, have a look and if there was any bruising or lumps she should also examine them. I did as I was told and got my tackle in my hand. I looked at it and it looked fine, in fact it looked mighty fine – I decided that she really should come and take a butchers at it. As she popped her head around the screen I went up like a crocus in spring. To which she replied: “Well Mr B it seems that there is no lasting damage there…”. Unfortunately our relationship did not develop further.
HE IS NOT AFRAID OF STARING DEATH IN THE FACE!
It’s not easy being a reviewer, the majority of whom get into it because they are passionate about the subject they are reviewing, like to see creativity and as a writer have a level of creativity themselves… So it must be galling that so many creative people who get bad reviews (deservedly or not) naturally then decide that they dislike the reviewer that wrote it… I have had three scathing reviews from Steve Bennett (The latest review was for my Rock & Roll Circus tour at Reading Highlight. (chortle.co.uk/ the review)) and yet I have come to like the man… Mr Steve prefers tightly crafted and scripted comedy over the improvised and loose, and so does not always react positively to the acts that make me laugh the most, however his appearance at this gig in Reading made me realise that as much as he perhaps doesn’t understand some acts there is obviously more to understand about him. Read more »
Sweary top of the pops is a hit for independent comedy!
In 2009’s Christmas Singles Chart, off the back of a huge facebook campaign, Rage Against The Machine caused one of the biggest shocks in UK chart history when they stopped X Factor from having their 5th consecutive Christmas no 1. Sadly this Christmas X Factor were back on top… So the alternative has lost? Well the thing about the alternative is that it doesn’t need to win in order to make a difference and the most interesting and significant hit in the Xmas charts actually fell just outside the top 40.
Kunt and the Gang’s fans got behind “Use My Arsehole as a Cunt” and helped it to reach No 66 in the main singles chart (and No 8 in the independent chart), a feat that is all the more remarkable by the fact that he has no record label, no budget and received practically no press or radio. Read more »
I found Frank backstage at last year’s Bizarre Ball and I gave him a few beers out of Electric Eel Shock’s rider. We sat drinking a beer together watching the various performers prepare or recover: naked people getting into rubber, a woman from the Circus of Horrors getting out of a bottle and a psycho cyborg having her tits sewn back up. It was quite a scene. Frank turned and said:
“Of course I have seen it all before… although not necessarily quite so much all at the same time.”
OK I have a question: Imagine that you have a job working in a morgue. Maybe it is a weekend job pushing dead people around. You are left alone with the bodies but of course you are not supposed to touch them. Then one day a celebrity chick comes in. Imagine if it was 1997 and Princess Diana’s lifeless body is wheeled in. Or maybe it is longer ago than that and you are alone with a dead Marilyn Monroe. Or perhaps it is this weekend and it is Katie Price who comes in – OK she’s not dead yet but fuck it, we could get lucky – Anyway the point is, whoever it is they are dead sexy in the most literal possible sense. Read more »
Sometime in 2007 I was given the autobiography of the late great Malcolm Hardee, the godfather of Alternative comedy, I was fascinated by his wayward background prior to comedy. It inspired me to have a go myself and now I often stand on stages and do things which some people find funny and others just find odd. On October 1st 2009 at the 20th Birthday of Up The Creek, I was asked by Martin Soan to get naked and join him in the Balloon Dance playing the part of his old mate Malcolm Hardee who had started the club. It was indeed an honour and the comedy equivalent of Dee Dee Ramone ringing me up to come and sing like Joey down at CBGB’s… Knob Out!
The Greatest Show on Legs and the Balloon Dance (as seen on OTT) at the 20th Birthday Party of infamous Grenwich venue Up The Creek. Opened by Malcolm Hardee 20 years ago. Martin Soan (original Ballooner!), Bob Slayer (channelling Malcolm) and Dr Brown… Introduced by Terry Alderton (Doing a much better job as Malcolm!)
On April 29th I was Compère at the premier of Killer Bitch at The Curzon Cinema:
“Before we begin Liam the director of the film has asked me to do a few notices:
Please keep an eye on your possessions as Thieves and Pickpockets have been known to operate in this area.” I hear a few titters and groans from people who have anticipated where I am going and I continue:
Most notably:-
• Dave Courtney
• Roy Shaw
• Lenny Hamilton
• And Freddie Foreman
I get some cheers of approval as I read out each name and Dave Courtney calls me a Cheeky C**t.
Sunday Sport Review:
“It was a brave man to stand up in front of an A-list of the UK’s celebrity gangsters, assorted fighters, convicted football hooligans and the notorious Outlaw Motorcycle club at the premier of schlock Gangster film Killer Bitch.. To then proceed to ’slag’ off this scary audience was surely suicidal? … Compère Bob Slayer’s introduction scored top marks for sheer audacity. He picked his targets well and delivered cutting lines with such innocent cheeky charm that he had the likes of Dave Courtney (Gangster turned author) and Stormin’ Norman Buckland (the new Guv’nor of unlicensed British boxing) declaring afterwards that he was indeed a ‘right funny c**t’…” Read more »
A lot of debate has centred around the three leaders, however I am more interested in who is my local candidate. I have had all the leaflets through the door but the only candidate I was in to meet was the Conservative fella – He asked me if I was going to vote for him, I said probably not and he immediately left, hardly leaving me with the impression that he had a lot of fight in him. So I opened my door again and shouted “piss of baldy”. He ignored me. And therefore I will ignore him. Read more »
THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL BRITISH MOVIE OF THE 21st CENTURY
Released by Kaleidoscope Home Entertainment – Bank Holiday Monday 3rd MAY 2010
World Premiere on April 29th at the Curzon Cinema Mayfair (With Bob Slayer as MC!)
Followed by a Launch Party @ The Vendome club in Mayfair from 7.00pm.
“The film everyone’s talking about! Iron Man 2? Don’t be daft! It’s Killer Bitch, with Alex Reid! Will Alex turn up at the Premiere? Will Jordan let him?”News of The World
“A woman is forced into a deadly game in which she has to kill five people or all her friends and family will be butchered. With extreme violence and red hot sex, it’s a hard-edged lads’ movie that takes no prisoners.” Read more »
In 1968 some Brummy kids were bored of listening to the Beatles, or whatever their parents listened to, and so they dressed in Black on a Saturday, went down to their local church hall and played Blues based Rock their own way: slower, harder and louder than ever before. They bit the head off a bat and called this Heavy Metal. They were pronounced to be the devil and were not allowed to play in church halls any more…
In the 70′s a new wave of British kids were bored of listening to Black Sabbath, they wanted to differentiate themselves against what those old people from Birmingham were playing and they said no, slower is not scary, you must ditch the blues and play it fast. So they took that music and played it harder and louder and faster. This was the scariest music could get. Wasn’t it? Read more »
